Dear PSA,
When I woke up Tuesday morning my toy store was in ruins. Everything looked like it had been rifled through and thoroughly searched. I called the police, and then did a careful inventory of what I had. The only things that were missing were my collection of stuffed Koalas. The only hint that the police found as to who the criminals were was a small feather left on the check-out counter of the store. The police identified it as a penguin feather!! The penguins are after me!! What do I do??
--Scared in West Antartica
Dear Scared,
This could be a problem!! They might be after your source of koala stuffed animals, and will do anything to get to your source, including frying you in ketchup and eating you!! Buy a rainbow fire extinguisher now, it will get rid of the penguin(s), temporarily. Tie up anything rainbow around your house (penguins hate rainbow things, they are black and white) and seriously consider re-painting your house with multi-color paint. Go on an all kiwi diet, they may be so repulsed by the scent that they leave you alone for a while. Spray kiwi scented perfume everywhere, and hang kiwis outside of your house. Hang up posters of narwhals, the more convincing, the better. A poster of the King Narwhal (20 feet tall and lime green) might just scare them away. Good luck!!
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Dear PSA,
After visiting your site, I am very afraid that penguins will break into my home. I am no longer fooled by their cuteness. I now know that they are vicious fire breathing monsters that will come and rifle through your stuff and steal your stuffed Koalas!! I am very nervous and scared that a penguin will round the corner and attack me, even in my own home. I never go anywhere without a friend anymore. Actually, I try never to go *anywhere* at all (if I can). My friends think I'm paranoid, but your posts convinced me that the penguinocalypse is coming. Any ideas on how I can be less scared and more confident about the lurking Antarctic creatures? What are the best ways to repel penguins? Any good hiding spots for stuffed koalas?
Thanks!!!
Sincerely,
Lara the scared and "paranoid" Penguinocalypse believer, Falkland Islands, Antarctica.
Dear Lara,
You were lucky to stumble upon this site. You could have gone unprepared for the Penguinocalypse. Do not try to be less scared, it will merely make it easier for them to eat you. The best way to repel penguins is to buy a fire extinguisher, especially rainbow ones. They shoot out fire extinguishing stuff that the penguins cannot stand. Go on an all-kiwi diet, and take infusions of kiwi extract 12 times a day. Paint your house rainbow, and cover it with pictures of narwhals. There are no known completely penguin-proof hiding places for stuffed koalas, but the tops of volcanos have been proven to be good, as well as in a rainbow (wherever you buy those). Keep safe!!
