Friday, December 28, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Penguin Attack!
One of our readers recently had a terrifying encounter with a ferocious penguin! The woman (who shall remain unnamed) was recently robbed and terrorized by a hungry penguin. She wisely set a trap in her backyard, but unfortunately it was not enough to catch the dastardly penguin.
When she came home from work one evening, the trap was sprung, and the stuffed koala gone! Her next-door neighbors also reported a missing skateboard. When police were called to investigate, they found suspicious foot-prints all around the trap.
The skateboard was recovered the next day, lying next to what looked like a pile of burnt rainbow glitter. Here are photographs:
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When she came home from work one evening, the trap was sprung, and the stuffed koala gone! Her next-door neighbors also reported a missing skateboard. When police were called to investigate, they found suspicious foot-prints all around the trap.
The skateboard was recovered the next day, lying next to what looked like a pile of burnt rainbow glitter. Here are photographs:
Penguin footprints around the trap?
Matching footprints found on the skateboard!
Could this be an actual picture of a penguin skateboarding? This photo was sent in by one of our readers.
Penguins Beginning to Infiltrate the US and UK!
BREAKING NEWS: It seems that penguins have begun their attacks on the US and UK!! Several people have reported spotting penguin-sized footprints in odd places around their houses, and the thefts of three koalas were reported. We do not know yet what has happened or is happening, but we do know that the penguin wrath is spreading.
We are beginning to recruit an elite team of penguin fighters to research the coming Penguinocalypse. Inform everyone you know!! It is crucial that everyone be prepared.
We will inform you of the new members of our team shortly.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Penguin Terrorist Attacks: Seen LIVE on TV.
Could it be?
Penguins do breathe fire when hungry, that's true, but they have now mastered the art of freezing their oponents into ice, which would lead to human fossiles all over again, as in the ice age. Scientists believe that, even back then, penguins were a horrible terror for the people living in the ice age. Back then, no one knew the power of kiwis, and fire extingishers were not yet invented, as you know. They were forced to use ice and snow to put out penguin fires, but the penguins were still unstoppable when angry. Now, however, we are more equipped, but spread the word, penguins may soon strike the world like never before. Remember, keep kiwis and fire extingishers near at all times. (Fire extingishers are availible in pink, rainbow, and zebra striped.) An all-kiwi diet, and also kiwi-scented-perfume, soap, lotion, and face masks are highly recommended. These are all currently available at the store nearest you. Remember--stay safe, and always be on the lookout.
Come back soon for more news and advice about Penguin Safety Awareness. Have a nice day.
Penguins do breathe fire when hungry, that's true, but they have now mastered the art of freezing their oponents into ice, which would lead to human fossiles all over again, as in the ice age. Scientists believe that, even back then, penguins were a horrible terror for the people living in the ice age. Back then, no one knew the power of kiwis, and fire extingishers were not yet invented, as you know. They were forced to use ice and snow to put out penguin fires, but the penguins were still unstoppable when angry. Now, however, we are more equipped, but spread the word, penguins may soon strike the world like never before. Remember, keep kiwis and fire extingishers near at all times. (Fire extingishers are availible in pink, rainbow, and zebra striped.) An all-kiwi diet, and also kiwi-scented-perfume, soap, lotion, and face masks are highly recommended. These are all currently available at the store nearest you. Remember--stay safe, and always be on the lookout.
Come back soon for more news and advice about Penguin Safety Awareness. Have a nice day.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
A Frightening Idea
So far, all of the penguin attacks have been found to be in Antarctica. We know that the penguins are already terrorizing Antarcticans. But last Tuesday, we began getting letters from people in the US and UK who spotted penguin tracks. Missing Koalas, kiwi trees burned down, penguin tracks nearby, what could this mean? Could the penguins be beginning to take over the rest of the world? They're certainly being stealthy about it.
If you find any traces of penguin tracks, or any suspicious thefts, please contact us with the news.
Check back soon for penguin sightings, danger areas, and more!
If you find any traces of penguin tracks, or any suspicious thefts, please contact us with the news.
Check back soon for penguin sightings, danger areas, and more!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Penguin Safety Checklist.
How to know if you're prepared for the Penguinocalypse:
-Are you on an all-kiwi diet?
-Do you know of a safe hiding place for all of your koalas?
-Do you own a fire extinguisher?
-Are you well educated in SDAP (Self Defense Against Penguins)?
-Do you have a penguin burglar alarm installed in your house?
If you answered no to any of these questions, then you are not prepared for the Penguinocalypse. The penguins will eat you. If you answered yes to all of these, you may have a chance of surviving the Penguinocalypse without losing too many limbs.
-Are you on an all-kiwi diet?
-Do you know of a safe hiding place for all of your koalas?
-Do you own a fire extinguisher?
-Are you well educated in SDAP (Self Defense Against Penguins)?
-Do you have a penguin burglar alarm installed in your house?
If you answered no to any of these questions, then you are not prepared for the Penguinocalypse. The penguins will eat you. If you answered yes to all of these, you may have a chance of surviving the Penguinocalypse without losing too many limbs.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Penguin Safety Awareness.
Penguin's have been recently discovered to be extremely deadly to the human race. Ignore their fuzziness and little tuxedos, Penguins are nearly unstoppable, and when hungry, can breath fire. We must take action, and spread awareness about the coming penguinocalypse, for there are ways to evade penguins, and perhaps live a bit longer.
Recently, we asked our followers to reshare something on Google Buzz, and the results were:
71% had already been eaten by penguins, and therefor wouldn't reshare.
28% were hiding in their showers with fire extinguishers waiting for the coming penguinocalypse.*
3% couldn't do math,
and 1% were smart and reshared.
*Smart penguin tip: Always keep a fire extinguisher at hand. They are available in packs of four, six and eight, with the color options of pink, blue and psychedelic rainbow with peace signs.
This poll shows us that the Penguinocalypse may be closer than we think. Scientists were predicting back in May that it would happen sometime in Summer, 2013, but they are realizing now that it may be as close as March 2013 (assuming we all survive 2012, of course. But if you ask me, the Penguinocalypse is much more pressing than the end of the world).
Check back soon for more Penguin Safety Tips!
Recently, we asked our followers to reshare something on Google Buzz, and the results were:
71% had already been eaten by penguins, and therefor wouldn't reshare.
28% were hiding in their showers with fire extinguishers waiting for the coming penguinocalypse.*
3% couldn't do math,
and 1% were smart and reshared.
*Smart penguin tip: Always keep a fire extinguisher at hand. They are available in packs of four, six and eight, with the color options of pink, blue and psychedelic rainbow with peace signs.
This poll shows us that the Penguinocalypse may be closer than we think. Scientists were predicting back in May that it would happen sometime in Summer, 2013, but they are realizing now that it may be as close as March 2013 (assuming we all survive 2012, of course. But if you ask me, the Penguinocalypse is much more pressing than the end of the world).
Check back soon for more Penguin Safety Tips!
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